On Stress

Stress

Definition 2, a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.

I like to posit stress prior to experiencing it. If I can really see it beforehand, it is a lot less powerful. Stress is the darkness within my mind that hints at chemical and edible solutions. As a sober person who has struggled most of his life with over eating, these are the most harmful solutions. They had become my coping mechanisms for life, then once doing battle with them directly (sobriety and diet), they seemed to be offered up by myself, in order that I could get through some sort of strife. Sadness or loss, stress or pain, boredom or melancholia, even rational joy was a circumstance my mind would offer as deserving of chemicals or edibles. 

The most stressful situations for me are those which I feel are out of my control. As far as the control spectrum goes, from total chaos to perfect order, I prefer the latter. 

If and when I perceive that some task I’m undertaking is too big or overwhelming, that I am losing or have lost my grip on it, I can feel the physical manifestations of stress taking hold. For me, it comes on like a migraine, there’s a non-odorous scent to it, a shadow, and then I’m swallowed by it. It’s a physical discomfort that I have manifested within my body due to my own mental perception of the surrounding circumstances. 

AND BOY AM I THEN DISSAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. Because I believe that the stress isn’t real. It’s my reaction to something objective, and I could just as easily react with a laugh, except I can’t because I’m feeling anxious and stressed out. 

I will continue to believe that how we react is up to us. Though I almost daily have undesirable reactions that then lead to disappointment, and you guessed it, stress. 

I cannot do drugs when sad or stressed or in pain. When life presents me with a scenario that is well out of my control, I cannot use drugs because the drugs, or food will ONLY make me feel better for a moment. Ultimately I will feel worse and they will do nothing for the external situation.

Succumbing to the use of food to feel better does nothing to put the situation within my control, so I have merely changed how I feel. And only temporarily at that! As soon as I come down off the food high, that’s seemingly alleviated my stress, my stress returns and it’s compounded with guilt for having strayed from the path that gets me where I want to go, and all manner of various physical discomforts the food has delivered.

I do not think straying really matters much so long as you can stay within the same general direction, but for years I strayed to the point of going backwards. 

If in a moment of calm waters, where my brain is the sane side of rational, I try and know what sorts of foods make me feel better, perform well, have generally more control over my surroundings, wouldn’t these foods be the ones that my sane self would want to utilize to get through a moment of stress?

There is certainly a difference for me between feeling emotionally better from food and feeling physically better from food. It could be that I am somewhat more emotional when hungry and I can argue with myself that any food at this point would help to even the keel of emotionality. But that’s just me bullshitting a bullshitter (also me). My “plan” of late is foods that are mostly nutrient dense and not necessarily calorically dense. When I eat to plan, I have energy. When I eat for emotions, I feel better momentarily but nothing external changes and I eventually feel worse physically. 

There was a time when I jumped from the downward slope and physical manifestations of poor nutrition, by just continually getting a comforting dose of junk food. Didn’t it make me feel better last time? So shouldn’t I just keep doing it so that I always feel better? I got myself to half a thousand pounds by trying to escape the stress and emotions within myself by using a buffer, food.

Today I try to not run from how I feel. I’m not always in control, but when I turn and face it, I certainly have more control than when I run away. When I examine how I feel, what about the circumstance makes me experience stress, I can see more of myself along with the situation, and the stress itself lessons, because observation is to some degree control. 

I know that eating well and sleeping well will help me navigate any situation I am presented with, so they are my priorities. For too long food was an escape and for me, that escape was throwing my power away, handing the steering wheel to the voice in my head that insists on harming me. Now I turn into the storm. I try and focus on something external and small, often tiny. Something that I can easily control, and I build upon that. When it’s total madness, I have even sat down and tied or retied my shoes as an act of control. I will often go for a walk. I have preloaded things that I will always be sure of being within my control, and if I can keep some portion of my mind in the drivers seat, I can win.