On Reactions

I find so often that my actions are a reaction. While this is fine under many circumstances, such as seeking shelter to avoid inclement weather, much of my reactions have led to less productive results. I also have accepted that much of my reactions happen subconsciously to some degree, meaning I do not even realize I’m reacting.

The compulsion to overeat is almost always a reaction, for me, to something I find uncomfortable in the present. Even if it’s just that I find discomfort in watching TV without snacking, because I know that snacking makes TV watching so much better. But for so long, I simply ate while watching TV because that was my routine, my pattern, it was a part that made up the structure of my life. When examined more thoroughly, I would experience some discomfort, overeat in some attempt to soothe this, but before too long, I was simply accustomed to overeating.

This bled out into all aspects of my life.

For instance, I hate trying on clothes. This is something my wife and kids could tell you, or anyone from any wardrobe department I’ve ever worked for.

Part of my job is trying on clothes and having people look at them on me and decide if they are the correct clothes for the character I’m playing.

At my heaviest, getting dressed was a total body workout. Every day, after showering and drying off, I would very slowly get dressed, only to find myself drenched with sweat. I would quite often sit or lay down after dressing until recovered, and then proceed with my day.

So when it came to wardrobe fittings, I had my work cut out for me. They often want to see many different looks and will book multiple hours to go through the various outfits that have been chosen. It was torture, by the end, I would be sweating through every new outfit, much of which would be returned if they didn’t like it for the show.

Yesterday I was in a wardrobe fitting, hating it, hating people looking at me in what I perceived to be ill fitting clothes, hating just having to get dressed and undressed repeatedly, and also hating that I hated it.

In consulting why I hated it, everything led back to the actual physical discomfort I used to experience every single day when dressing, none of which I experience today. There is nothing tiring for me about getting dressed today, in fact in a 2 hour wardrobe session, I won’t break a sweat.

I’m trying very hard to find something nice or enjoyable about them, with little luck. But upon closer inward examination, I could see they were not actually as bad as my mind wanted them to be.

Sometimes my emotional reactions, based on things from the past, do not line up with the present reality.

I drag the whole of my existence into the present and view it through a lens that informs some part of my mind that everything I’ve ever experienced is very literally relevant to whatever circumstances I find myself in now. Considering that, will quite often calm me down, because I can then very easily discard a lot of that baggage.

One day it might even be possible for me to actually enjoy trying on clothes.