Spotlight: Kimberly C.

I don't even know if I should do this because someone may end up reading it. At the same time part of me desperately wants someone somewhere to read it. Even just once. What would I include? What would I leave out? Am I going to be too graphic, dramatic, or sound like a terrible person?

One thing I don't really want to talk about but it is the most important part was the abuse that followed me my entire life. My dad was a very abusive man (so of course I sound like every girl ever). My dad would beat my ass so bad and sit on top of me and keep hitting me and that is not even remotely the tip of the iceberg. But he would also of course say the meanest shit to us for hours on end. He would tell me I'm a fat Duke, he would call me private pile, and he would call me tuna (which is relevant af to Ethan and the American glutton podcast because Tuna was his character in Blow. Everything was always related to whatever he was watching at the time. He would force me to get on the scale after beating my ass and grab my rolls of fat and tell me I looked just like tuna and talk about my name is Earl and how I am nothing but a fat joke.

As anyone can imagine I ended up with eating disorders which lead to more weight gain. I was homeschooled, never allowed to go anywhere, and when I went back to public school I met my best friend and ended up moving in with her when I was 14. I was more anorexic than bulimic until I had to eat and always purged. I would look at thinspo constantly and try to tell my best friend all these tricks we could be doing which obviously were actually for eating disorders. I had also started stealing the pills out of my moms purse when I would come home. I developed some problems lol. But then my sister got me a gym membership for my 18th birthday and my life changed. I started reading text books on nutrition and changed my entire life around. I lost 130 lbs. I went from 376 to 240. There was a lot of extra skin and I felt like I was swimming in my body but it was worth it.

At that point I ended up pregnant. I was supposed to have a girl. I was with a guy I shouldn't have been and we were off and on for years to come. I lost my daughter to a birth defect and was honestly devastated. I moved on as i knew how to do. I had already been homeless twice in my life and had a shitty childhood so I tucked it away in my memory and keep her box of ashes.

I moved back to Seattle (where I am from) and ended up homeless again and pregnant again. I thought I gained so much weight but honestly I didn't. Moving forward I kept dropping weight. And went back to Oregon, lived in a housing. My "soon to be husband" ended up disappearing for about a week and came back to tell me not to touch him. I went on to become pregnant and at the time I was so poor I was stealing diapers and chicken noodle soup from the local safeway. My mother in law was adopted and I had a serious conversation with her about what to do. My second daughter was yes adopted. I just didn't feel like I could give her a good enough life. About a year later after coming back to Seattle for good I was homeless again and pregnant without even knowing. I thought I was gaining weight. Rapidly. I was living in a shelter and my car with my daughter. When my car got towed with everything g inside, all of my shoes were inside. It was nice outside so I was wearing a pair of slides a good friend gave me. I wore those slides homeless for almost a year. Walking around holding 5 back packs with my daughter and sometimes her dad. When I found out I was pregnant I was already 5 months along. I was not just depressed but suicidal. I had no idea what to do and was going through the worst of motions. Dshs was hoop after hoop of nothingness and was definitely having existential worry. My daughter I would watch sleep on the bench at the transit center as we were resting. I contacted the adoption agency I had gone through before asking for advice and had found someone to talk to and told her everything I could. My son was also adopted. I entered transitional housing which lead me to where I am now. I have worked customer service the last 2 years (I worked food service before, working 2 jobs usually). I have a place I am getting used to living in. But the problem i have been having for over a year now, is that I am working out and eating right and my weight continues to rise. I have been to the doctor over and over again. I am afraid to get on the scale because it is almost always higher than the last time. I count my calories and do my work out, I try to lead a healthy lifestyle. I use beach body on demand which is my favorite cardio. Currently am participating in 365 day challenge started in February. But I just can't seem to lose weight and am somewhere between 350 and 360 I THINK because I am just to scared to get on the scale. I work out every day almost. I have been since I had my son (I gained almost 100 lbs for some reason) I have been told it is stress and trauma and a million other things but my thyroid is fine. So I wish I knew what was wrong but I continue to work my ass off every day to be a better self, my daughter chooses her own work outs she will be 6 in a week and has always worked out w me so she is pretty solid for a kid haha.

Who knows if I put out too much information.

I was compared to Ethan so much growing up while being degraded. And to know we both work our asses off honestly just feels like the best fuck you ever to everyone.

I have a very blessed life. I remember seeing my collar bone for the first time and thinking something was wrong with my back not realizing they were shoulder blades. I called my boyfriend at the time freaking out and he came and looked and it was ridiculous. I take solace in knowing I continue to do what I have to even though I feel so unsuccessful. One of my favorite things to say is that progress is inevitable. Even if my weight for some reason isn't going down, my muscles stay strong. My body looks ridiculous. My skin is stressed and exhausted. But I keep up with my almost 6 year old and I keep getting back up every time I fall down.

My life sounds like drama and I know that but these instances have all been so overwhelmingly real. I have been able to adapt and get through everything I have had to. I have made amazing connections along with the not so great ones. I had to add an appreciation note. My biggest aspiration right now is to some day shake the hand of Ethan Suplee. Just to tell him how much I admire him and how big of an influence he is currently having on my journey back to myself. I didn't know if I should share because I'm still fat yet again. When heard that he had lost the same hundred or so pounds (on a podcast he was talking about the up and down) I felt so related to. Yes everyone goes through that 20 or 30 lbs up and down but I have lost the same 100 or so lbs 3 times. I have been working my ass off trying for this 4th and I just keep going because that is all that matters. Nobody else knows what that is like that to lose over a hundred lbs, gain it back, feel completely defeated, get up and do it again. And again. And again. It is crushing. But I won't give up. And lately I have been literally working out to his podcasts on spotify. I am so impressed I feel so related to I have been in that watery eye phase when I listen to what he has to say. I hope some day to shake his hand.