Spotlight: Josh M.

My name is Joshua Murphy.

My whole life, I've been the most obese person in the room at any given moment—this simple fact shaped the majority of my life and my outlook on it. I struggled with my image and self-esteem my entire life, even today. I've tried and failed to better myself more times than I can count. I have watched life pass me by as I have been too mentally and physically weak to try and catch up. To put it lightly, I guess you could call me a recovering nihilist. For most of my life, I was told by even those closest to me that I would always be fat, that I would always be lazy, that no one would ever accept me, and perhaps what struck me the most, that I would never leave my hometown. I guess when you're told something enough, you start to believe it.

I reached a turning point within the last few years. In 2016 I tipped the scales at 446 pounds. As of this moment, I have lost over 200 pounds and counting all through proper diet and physical activity. It's something I legitimately never thought would be possible. To say losing that much weight has changed my life is an understatement. Objectively, life is better overall, but there are still wounds that even radical weight loss can't heal.

Until recently have been relatively quiet about my weight loss journey. People who know me, whether via my minuscule social media presence or in real life, are aware of what I've done, but only a handful of people know the real reason WHY I set out to lose over 200 pounds. The reason was so I could join the Army. A 'back of my mind' lifelong dream that I never thought I would be able to pursue until I decided to go for it one day. That was my motivator. To put it bluntly, chasing that goal was my reason for being alive for the last few years. Until this year, I never publicly talked about this part of my story, and for a good reason. The path I was determined to go down required quiet professionalism and selflessness. I never set out to tell the world my story. I wanted to become a ghost. I wanted to disappear from conventional life and be pushed to the physical and mental limits of what human beings can do and do only that. My reasons for wanting to enlist were varied, and I'm not going to get into them all here and now. Still, the least of which was any recognition, and at the core of my decision to pursue that goal can be boiled down to the idea that I may be able to help someone who otherwise could not help themselves.

After two years of jumping through hoops with my enlistment process, getting waivers for a troubled past, having surgery that was supposed to correct medically disqualifying health problems, and a whole array of other road bumps, I made it to Fort Benning, Georgia. Just to be told by the medical staff there that I'm unfit for service due to a pre-existing and documented medical condition I had developed due to my years of extreme obesity and generally unhealthy lifestyle, lympedema. I don't agree with their sentiment in the slightest. But the reality of my situation is, I've exhausted every avenue possible to try and re-enlist. As far as the DOD is concerned, my condition is chronically reoccurring, and therefore, I'm damaged goods. in the harrowing words of the physician's assistant at 30th AG, I "will never have a career in the army."

And with that, I found myself in a situation that, for me, was ultimately nothing new, someone telling me what I couldn't do with my life. Even after coming as far as I did, dedicating my life to a cause, the sting of rejection found me yet again.

My medical condition, Lymphedema, was developed from years of extreme obesity coupled with smoking, binge drinking, and ultimately just wreaking havoc on my body. The condition, a form of leg swelling via fluid build-up that escapes from long ruptured veins, is permanent and will always be there to remind me of who I used to be. Every day is a day that I am reminded that I ultimately acted too late in making the changes necessary to live the life I feel like I was destined to. It's a struggle to endure, but I must endure. My seeming lack of purpose has left me struggling to find a reason why I should be here. Since returning home, I have been more lost than ever.

So why am I tell you all of this? What does it matter? I've come to realize that what I've done, even if I was never able to reach my ultimate goal, still has some merit, and regardless I can still help people who need it. I can help people that are in situations like I was. Or maybe someone who may not be overweight but thinks they're in a position they'll never be able to escape. By getting my story out there, I genuinely believe that I can show people they are capable of more than they ever thought possible.

Like I said before, "when you're told something enough, you start to believe it" and that doesn't always have a negative connotation. I can't count how many times I've been told, "you should write a book." So, I'm going to do just that. My transformation has been so much more than just a physical one. The changes I've made to my mindset, experiencing an upbringing in poverty, realizing the anger I had for the world was ultimately a projection of anger at myself; there is a lot to unpack in my story.

My journey thus far lacks a key element, A physical and mental challenge of epic proportion that takes me outside of my zones of comfort and familiarity. While losing 200 pounds may seem like it fits that bill, I didn't lose all of that weight so that I could fall in line with a conventional life. In 2022 I will solo hike the Pacific Crest Trail in its entirety. The Pacific Crest Trail or PCT is a 2650 + mile nationally designated scenic trail that spans from the Mexican to Canadian borders, covers the lengths of California, Oregon, and Washington, 25 national forests, and 7 national parks. Elevation change spans from sea level to over 13,000 feet at certain points. Walking the trail consists of navigating deserts, climbing mountains, and outrunning a perilous winter.

I'm not doing this to say "look what I did" but rather "look what YOU can do." It's to say, If I, a man that once thought he might actually die if he walked up a hill, can now say with confidence that he is capable of walking thousands of miles across the country, then you can certainly overcome whatever personal struggle you face. And overcoming whatever is holding you back won't be easy. Overcoming adversity isn't supposed to be easy. Overcoming adversity might not even be what you thought it was. It may not get you where you thought it would, and that's ok. Because even if you're not able to reach your ultimate goal, you will become a better person by the end of trying.

My goal with this journey is as follows: Hike the PCT and document the entire experience with my skills as a photographer, videographer, and writer to create content to inspire throughout the trip. After I reach the northern terminus, I will begin working on a book that tells my story both from a past perspective and from current/more recent times/on the trail. The book will be something of a "novel meets coffee table book" as I intend to capture an untold number of images while I'm on the trail, all with professional-grade photo and video equipment. I also plan to create a short film with all of the video footage I capture. The film will document my journey and tell my story and the story of the trail and those I meet on it. I want to use this film to spread awareness of the Pacific Crest Trail, others like it, and conservation in general.

I thought my story was going to end earlier this year. I experienced the most crippling depression I ever had, and suicide seemed like the most viable option at one point. Luckily I sought help in time and discovered my new purpose in life. To tell my story to those that need to hear it. Life is a constant battle, and I'll be damned if I don't end up winning the war it's a part of.